I heard a great joke the other day from a 6 year old. He asked “What happens when you hang out with a lot of ducks?………..You start quacking!” The funniest part of the whole thing was the kid rolling on the floor laughing in complete hysterics. After he calmed down I asked him what it meant. “It means if you hang out with mean people, you will do mean things,” he commented. Wow, out of the mouths of babes. At this young age he is already beginning to learn that who he hangs around with can have an affect on him and his behavior.
This is not a new idea. In fact, we even have research that shows the number one indicator of delinquent behavior is who our children spend time with. While this may be an obvious truth to many of us, one that is not so obvious is that who our children hang around with will also affect their mood and attitude.
Is your child overly negative? Are they grouchy and depressed? Do they complain a lot? Although we often think that these characteristics are due to our parenting or some deeper issue with our children, remember to look at their friends. It is difficult for a child to remain positive and hopeful when surrounded by others who are consistently negative or mean. By the same token, it is difficult for a child to remain negative and sullen when surrounded by positive fun-loving friends.
Regarding our children’s social world, it is our job to restrict contact with those that are not good influences, both in behavior and attitude, and to open and support access to those that appear more healthy and positive. To take a “hands off” approach about our children’s friends is both foolish and dangerous. We have the life experience and wisdom that our children lack in evaluating relationships and can see things they will not.
The driving force in emotional development is our socialization. The healthier the quality of that socialization, the healthier the emotional development will be. As parents, it is our job to not only monitor that development, but to shape it as well. I hear quite frequently that we cannot pick our children’s friends. While this sounds like truth, it is not the complete truth. Yes, by the time our children are 15, 16 and 17 years of age, we have much less influence on who their friends are. The story is much different when they are 6, 7 and 8. At this young age we have the greatest influence on who our children will begin to call friends and even more importantly, on who they look for as friends in the future.
By shaping this process, we help to set in motion a pattern of friend “type” that our children will continue to seek out and establish. If my child is used to hanging out with children who do not cuss, treat others with kindness, etc.: this is who they will seek in life. It is what they know and what gives them a sense of familiarity and comfort. If they are used to others who are not kind, are negative and depressing, etc.: this is who they will seek. The good news is that we as parents have the opportunity to greatly influence which “type” our child becomes used to and later pursues.
As for us parents, we need to ask ourselves about our friends. How do they affect us and what type of individuals have we surrounded ourselves with? Make sure that you surround yourself with those individuals that not only bring out the best in you, but those that live quality lives of their own. Remember what the 6 year old learned, if you don’t want to quack, don’t hang out with the ducks!
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]