Have you ever noticed how much you miss something once you have lost it? Recently, my eleven year old laptop bit the dust. Yes, I know, an eleven year old laptop is a dinosaur, but it was my dinosaur. The past two weeks have been interesting to say the least. Whether I am trying to figure out a way to save all of my documents or seeing if there is yet another way to revive this thing so I can use it for a few more years, I realized just how much I rely on my laptop. I missed the simple process of checking emails, sending information online, managing my bank accounts, and even checking the weather. It really has been frustrating on the one hand and yet has helped me to appreciate just how much I utilize it on the other. This mental process of appreciating something when our access to it is denied is a very important tool in parenting.
It is a simple connection between deprivation and appreciation. Think of the thirsty man and just how wonderful a single sip of water is. Imagine the hungry woman who longs for the taste of something as simple as bread or fruit. In these circumstances, they don’t care if they have a soda or fancy meal, they are just thankful for what they have. So how does this relate to parenting? It is our job to help to build our children’s appreciation of the important things in life which means it is our job to deprive them, at times, from the very things they seek. We have to say “No”.
The simple step of saying “no” to a child and not always giving in to what they want helps to set the stage for three key elements of their character development. The first is learning to appreciate what they have. Have you ever noticed that when a child continues to get the things they want whenever they want, they are never satisfied? Has your child ever said, “Oh no Daddy, I don’t need that new remote controlled car or video game, I have way too much as it is.” When a child does not have these desires continually filled, what they do possess matters all that much more to them. When they are not regularly looking for the next best thing, they pay more attention to what they have. Then when they do get a “yes”, it is a big deal…it means something.
The second element is that when someone appreciates what they have, they take better care of it. Two children that I have worked with come to mind clearly. The one has every video game know to man and has no idea where they all are. He is used to losing them or even breaking them through carelessness and having them replaced with regularity. The other young boy has two video games. Not only does he know where they are, he still has the boxes they came in and whenever he is done playing with them, they go right back in their boxes and on his bookshelf. They are so important to him he wants to take care of them. Because he only has the two and no expectation of getting others whenever he wants, He is more careful with what happens to them.
The third element is contentment. When we constantly fill our children’s desires, they don’t have the opportunity to learn being content with that they have and where they are in life. Our children need to know that it is OK to not always have the best and brightest, to not always have every video game, to not always have the newest “stuff.” Without this ability to be content, it is difficult to ever be at peace in life.
This does not mean that we are always to say “No.” But we should be able to say it when needed. Sixteen year olds don’t need new BMW’s, ten year olds don’t need cell phones, my kids don’t need slurpees everyday, Johnny does not need to play video games for hours, and I guess an eleven year old laptop is just fine if I can get it to run.
This week, ask yourself if you give in to every whim of your kids. Are you trying to keep them happy? Remember, if they hear “No”, they will not always be happy, but they will learn to appreciate and be content – and ultimately much “happier” over the long haul.
By Keith McCurdy [email protected]