Let’s all do a little less for our children this week. I mean it, let’s do a little less. Oh, I know – this flies in the face of current trends in our culture and I am sure our kids won’t like it, but come on, they can handle it.
You see, I am a little stuck. I am fighting the urge to comment on things like the recent Time magazine cover article, or the idea that the government is pondering about kids not working on the family farm, or even the notion that lemonade stands are somehow needing to be taxed and have a business license.
All of that is so tempting, but I learned a long time ago that to waste time on ridiculous things is in and of itself, ridiculous. So instead of that, I am encouraging all of us to do a little less for our children this week. Let me make my case.
Our children make a transition somewhere between the ages of 18 months and 2 years that we need to keep up with. Prior to that age, their expression of emotional distress (crying, screaming, fussing, etc.) is primarily need based. In other words, when a 9 month old cries, he is usually hot, wet, hungry, etc.
Somewhere between 18 months and 2 years for most kids, they attain basic mastery of two key functions…speech and mobility. They can now demonstrate some control and yes, defiance both in word and deed. From this point forward, the display of emotional distress is very different. Instead of it being primarily need based, it is now primarily want based.
When a 9 month old cries they are hot, wet, hungry, etc. but when a 2 ½ year old cries, you said “No” to something. If we miss this transition, we miss a significant opportunity and begin fueling dependency, entitlement and selfishness. At this point we are to go from keeping our children “happy”, which really did mean meeting all of their “needs” to allowing them to be frustrated by not responding to all of their “wants”.
This does not mean that we should in any way stop comforting or being affectionate with our children. It means that we need to make a transition. As a very old wise woman once told me, “If you are old enough to climb out of the high chair, you are old enough to work.” When a child can navigate that maneuver, they can handle a little burden.
This is not a new concept. When someone demonstrates a little independence, give them a little responsibility. This is the transition that we have to make with our children. To miss this is to begin developing unhealthy dependency and we will forever believe that if we are not keeping our children “happy” then we have failed as parents.
We make this transition in a couple ways. First, we begin to say “No.” Prior to this we did not need to set boundaries, our children were mostly incapable of violating much. Once they begin walking and talking, they often begin climbing and sassing. These things have to be reined in with very clear boundaries and supported with good consequences.
We begin the process of connecting cause and effect in this way and they won’t like it….this is known as the “terrible twos.” This is the establishment of authority in the home and it is vital at this age. Where our children first learned that we were the supplier of all things, they now learn that we are the controller of all things.
The second part of the process is that we begin adding responsibilities to our children. At the age of two a child can handle picking up toys (and many other things) before they are allowed to move on to something else. It used to be that we required much and gave little in the form of privileges. Today, we give much and require little responsibility. We have it backwards. When we give children responsibilities, the struggle to manage those requirements develops both the ability to handle frustration and leads to future maturity.
This is the goal.
The disturbing reality is that we are surrounded by a culture that encourages us to keep our children from maturing in a healthy manner. Because of that, most of us have missed the transition. No worries, it is not too late to begin now. We can choose to operate counter-culture. It is as simple as beginning to require a little more from our kids.
So, this week, do a little less for your kids….they may just surprise you.
