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MIKE KEELER: Beware The Super Blood Wolf Moon!

Mike Keeler

This is, like, really really horrible.

First, it’s about wolves. Cold, hungry, desperate, nasty wolves that prowl outside your home in the winter night. Wolves howl for lots of reasons; most of the year they howl quickly, and only back and forth within their own pack. But in wintertime, with the approach of breeding season, their howling gets longer and louder as they reach out to potential mates in other packs, and warn enemy packs to keep to themselves. Both Europeans and Native Americans noticed this pattern, and both cultures referred to the full moon that occurs during this time as the wolf moon. Yikes.

Second, it’s about blood. I’m not kidding, blood! We’ll, actually it’s more metaphorical blood, as in the bloody tinge that the moon takes on during a full lunar eclipse, which will happen this weekend. Sunday night at about 9:30 in the United States, part of the earth’s shadow will begin to cover the moon. By 10:30 it should be a fairly noticeable eclipse. And around 11:30 – just before midnight!- there will be a total eclipse and the moon will turn – gulp! – as red as blood!

Third, it’s not just bad, it’s super-bad. That’s because, as the moon circles the earth – or to be more exact, “ovals” the earth – the point at which it is farthest from earth is called the “apogee” and the closest point is called the “perigee.” When a full moon occurs at the moon’s perigee, it is noticeably larger than a normal full moon. Furthermore, when the sun, earth, and moon are all aligned, as they are during a full moon, that moment is called a “syzygy.” Thus, when a full moon happens when the moon is closest to the earth, the technical term for such an event is a “perigee-syzygy.” And, since using such a term would be absolutely ridiculous, astrologists have stepped in and rebranded it: super moon!!

Lord help us, on January 20, it will all come together. This mind-blowing midwinter moon madness has it all. Wolves will howl, blood will flow, heavenly bodies will align and the moon just might crash into the world. Yes, friends, we’re talking a Super Blood Wolf Moon!!!

This is rare, scary, creepy stuff. It’s got lots of adjectives, capital letters and exclamation points. Nothing in the world could make it worse. Nothing. At all. Except for, maybe, perhaps, a certain marketing-executive-cum-Friday-morning-blogger having his birthday fall ON THAT EXACT DATE!

Ah-woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

(I hope you all survive it. The next Super Blood Wolf Moon is 18 years in the future. At which time I will be, um, 39 years old.)

#HATM

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