All of us encounter loss. The meaning we attribute to loss influences our response to it. Our losses accumulate. They range from minor to unimaginable.
Last week, two sets of keys to my wife’s car, our only means of transportation, were not in their usual place. My son and I joined Dottie in the search. Anxious mayhem gripped the searchers. One person said, “Just take me to an asylum and leave me there.” Another said, “Don’t talk like that; you are overreacting.” “I know they are here and we will find them,” said the third person.
It took 30 minutes but both sets of keys were found in a dining room chair. “Oh, I remember now; I put the keys there to finish a task, but I got interrupted and never put them back on the dry sink.”
My son said, “Dad, you keep one set of keys and the other set will go back on the dry sink. That way, we will always know where the second set is located.”
Losses often precede major depression. Counterintuitively, the major loss may have occurred long ago and was forgotten, requiring a diligent detailed review of the depressed person’s life. Finding the loss and its meaning is usually healthy.
The losses are addressed as “exit events.” Recently, two very close friends, Becky and Cory, moved to another state. We miss them. Hearing from them pleases us.
Cory is one of the few who understands my sense of humor. After Cory shoveled deep snow off our sidewalk and driveway, I asked if he would try to make less annoying noise scraping snow, and begin his labor well after I awake in the morning. Cory smiled.
Cory, formerly a rancher and farm supervisor from Colorado, often volunteered to drive me to medical appointments. When we arrived at the Surgical Center, Cory asked, “May I pray for you?” Immediately, I felt the spiritual blessings of Cory’s Christian love. Cory’s departure is a major exit event for me.
Stuart’s brother died last week, a major “exit event.” Death is our greatest loss. Stuart leads our Zoom weekly Bible study. Stuart’s faith in God assured him that his brother’s spirit was immediately welcomed by Jesus.
Stuart is saddened by the death of his brother in the same way that Jesus wept at the death of his friend, Lazarus.
Losses may include memory, a major concern for many.
Forgetting names is common and usually not serious—it can result from aging, stress, or inattention. If it becomes persistent, disrupts daily life, or comes with other memory issues, consult a doctor.
Some things we remember may seem puzzling. Tracing persistent memories may solve unresolved conflicts.
Silas Marner (1861) by George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans, 1819-1880) is about a man falsely accused of theft. Excommunicated by his church, with sadness, he left the town of his birth. He was lost.
Silas, a weaver in the English countryside village of Raveloe, was unwelcome in the village he chose. He was seen as odd, suspected of being a “witch doctor,” and “falls into a numbing routine of numbing work.”
Silas keeps the money he earns in a hiding place. Each night, he intensely caresses his small fortune.
A little child wanders into his cottage, abandoned by its mother who died moments before the child is found by Silas. He names the little girl, Eppie, and rears her with tenderness and love unsurpassed.
Silas’s money was stolen but he came to love Eppie with a greater love. Because of his love for Eppie, Silas’ neighbors found him trustworthy and admirable. His virtue became his identification.
Having practiced forensic psychiatry for 5 decades, I read as if every story is a forensic case for which I must form an opinion based upon a reasonable degree of medical certainty.
I am confident that Child Protective Services (CPS) today in the case of Silas rearing Eppie would have strong reservations. Silas has good standing in his community. Dolly Winthrop, an unblemished mature woman often visits Silas and Eppie. Dolly encouraged Silas to return to church. Permanent custody of Eppie would have been approved by CPS.
Silas’ stolen money was returned. Added to his earned wealth, a forensic psychiatrist may have been retained to evaluate his Testamentary Capacity, the legal requirements for making a valid will.
Silas Marner was competent to make a legal will. If Silas gave his fatherly love and his estate to his adopted daughter, Eppie, it would not be questioned.
Both Silas and Eppie had been lost but purest love found them.
I was born on a hot July day during the Great Depression as the youngest of six children to George and Louise Brown, and my arrival was not celebrated.
Like many others, we lived on welfare, the generosity of churches, the City of Norfolk Public Health, and federal assistance such as the WPA (Works Progress Administration).
Our heroes and the heroes of our neighbors were President Franklyn D. Roosevelt and Boxing Champion Joe Lewis. President FDR died of a stroke before the end of WW11, April 12, 1945. We grieved.
A.P.S. Robinson, Principal of James Madison Grammer School, had an undeserved mean reputation. I was afraid of him, but periodically, seldom saying a word, he took me to a large closet, called Lost and Found. He held up clothing, estimating the size I would require.
I was given shoes, socks, sweaters, and corduroy pants, all unclaimed lost clothing by fellow students.
The loss of common sense in America is a cause of moral urgency.
Common sense is the ability to use good judgment in making decisions and to live in a reasonable and safe way. Common sense refers to practical judgment and general knowledge that is widely held, enabling individuals to make decisions without specialized expertise.
Common Sense (1776), by Thomas Paine (1737-1809), challenged the authority of the British government and the royal monarchy.
The plain language that Paine used spoke to the common people of America and was the first work to openly ask for independence from Great Britain. “For, as Milton wisely expresses, “never can true reconcilement grow where wounds of deadly hate have pierced so deep.”
The loss of common sense spreading across many large American cities baffles me. Lawlessness is not merely tolerated, it is encouraged, promoted, and supported with pseudo-altruism and flagrant lying.
When a behavior does not make common sense, look for its underlying causes. Explanations for uncommon sense fall into several categories: 1. Illness, 2. Illusion, 3. A combination of the two, and 4. Bias, allowing personal opinions to influence your judgment.
George, a friend, was seen at the UVa Corner, a traditional place to “hang out.” On a hot day, he wore an overcoat, scarf, and hat. His uncommon behavior was due to an advanced stage of a terminal illness.
Altruism, selfless concern for others, is virtuous. Its authenticity is confirmed by an earnest concern to avoid recognition or credit.
Altruistic-like behavior is used as an illusion (an idea or belief that is not true, or something that is not what it seems to be) to mislead voters.
The illusion conveys concern for illegal immigrants. “Please don’t think of them as murderers, rapists, pedophiles, or criminals. You must join us in dismissing Police, closing prisons, and releasing all the detained,” an unrealistic, uncommon view.
What motivates people to abandon reason, logical thinking, or common sense? What’s in it for them?
Common sense suggests the lawless are coddled because 1. They are readily transformed into (illegal) voters, 2. They comprise a pool of inexpensive laborers, and 3. Lawlessness proponents are also anti-American.
The biblical word for “lawlessness” is “iniquity;” it indicates the root of all lawlessness is rebellion. Lawlessness is contrasted with righteousness.
When a society ignores the law, lawlessness is the result, and chaos ensues.
God’s purpose for establishing human government is “to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right.” 1 Peter 2:14.
Believers are instructed to obey authorities and expect just treatment but must continue fulfilling their duties even if treated unfairly. If government directives conflict with God’s Word, believers should follow God’s commands, trusting in His protection.
Many people in America have lost their common sense. The common cold is more prevalent than common sense!
The loss of precious lives in the recent Texas flood deeply saddens America. The loss of children, nearly unbearable when sudden, unexpected, and numerous, challenges our faith but heals by degree with “the balm of Gilead.”
There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin-sick soul
Sometimes I feel discouraged
And deep I feel the pain
In prayers the holy spirit
Revives my soul again
If you can’t pray like Peter
If you can’t preach like Paul
Just go and tell your neighbour
He died to save us all
There is a balm in Gilead
To make the wounded whole
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the sin-sick soul
(A spiritual influenced by John Newton (1725-1807), slavery abolitionist; previously a captain of slave ships).
Gilead was a fertile, mountainous area east of the Jordan River. The name Gilead means “rocky region” or “hill country.”
A balm is an aromatic, medicinal plant extract. Gilead was famous for producing the “balm of Gilead”—an ointment from a Middle Eastern plant. Myrrh comes from a related plant. In the Bible, the“balm of Gilead” symbolizes healing and soothing qualities.
“Balm of Gilead” is mentioned three times in the Bible. In Genesis 37:25, Ishmaelites carried balm among their goods as Joseph’s brothers plotted against him. In Jeremiah 8:22, Jeremiah asks, “Is there no balm in Gilead?” as a metaphor for hope and healing for Judah. Jeremiah 46:11 sees God telling Egypt, “Go up to Gilead and obtain balm… there is no healing for you,” highlighting judgment and futility.”
The “balm in Gilead” reference in Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” signifies a plea for healing and relief from suffering. The narrator alludes to this biblical balm, asking if there is any hope or comfort for his deep grief and despair over the loss of Lenore. It underscores his desperation and search for solace.
Thank God for His promise never to leave or forsake us. His unmerited grace is offered to all whose faith is embedded in His son, Jesus who said, ”Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in me.” John 14:1.
The evening before His crucifixion, Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” John 14:15.
Jesus’ primary commandment was to love one another. Kindness is love in motion. The greatest need, especially during a time of loss, is the soothing kindness of love. God’s love restores hope and heals like the sweetness of the balm of Gilead.
Robert S. Brown, MD, PHD a retired Psychiatrist, Col (Ret) U.S. Army Medical Corps devoted the last decade of his career to treating soldiers at Fort Lee redeploying from combat. He was a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry and Professor of Education at UVA. His renowned Mental Health course taught the value of exercise for a sound mind.