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Antlerology 201

Jeff Ell SmallIn last months column we revealed the scientific breakthrough that is shaking the foundations of the hunting and the scientific communities. Naturalist, physicist, zoologist, and even cosmetologist, from all over the globe are uniformly amazed at the insights that were shared here in the Roanoke Star for the very first time.

This month as promised, I will reveal the second ability large racked bucks have. But before I do, it would be good to briefly recap what we revealed last month on the off chance that someone other than the six or seven regulars who read my column are joining us for the first time.

What we learned last time is that large racked bucks have the ability to manipulate organic material. The neurological energy emitted by their dish shaped antlers, bend twigs and small branches into the flight path of bullets and arrows. This energy also moves branches and twigs out of the bucks way so they can pass through densely forested areas without snagging their antlers.

The second ability large racked bucks have is even more amazing. It is the ability to disrupt the nervous system of the hunter. The same energy field that causes branches and twigs to bend, can actually be transmitted directly into the hunter.

Earlier generations knew intuitively that big bucks had this ability. This is why they called the main structure of a bucks antlers “beams”. But with their primitive scientific knowledge, they lacked the wherewithal to precisely articulate and explain this phenomenon in the sophisticated language of hard science which we are using here today.

Today we know that antler energy fields create sub-harmonic disturbances that are transmitted in wave signals that resonates in the nasal cavities of the hunter. Needless to say, the beam wreaks havoc on the senses. Humans are predators, having both our eyes and nasal cavities in the front of our faces, this makes us easy targets for these waves.

This is the real reason hunters shake uncontrollably when they see a large buck. The energy beam resonates inside the nasal cavity, which is connected directly to the inner ear and thus the antler amplified signal disrupts the equilibriums of hunters. Hunters shake, break into cold sweats, and feel dizzy. The very same symptoms astronauts, fighter pilots, and fraternity pledges experience.

This also explains why every hunter who has had a massive buck lower their antlers and look directly at them will tell you they felt like they were going to die.

It’s the native technology that gave birth to non-lethal sonic weapons governments are using against pirates and rioters. Deer are vegetarians, and as everyone knows, all vegetarians are pacifists. Our furry-forrest dwelling friends don’t want to kill us, so they simply developed a non-lethal way of protecting themselves.

This also explains why so many hunters experience MBMS (missed buck memory syndrome). The non-lethal, yet powerful waves emitted by the antlers not only disrupts sleep, but leaves the victim of these attacks with an indelible mental image of the missed buck that they obsessively think about and talk about for years. If you’ve ever known a hunter that has missed a big buck you already know this to be true. You’ll also observe that the intensity of their MBMS symptoms is directly proportional to the size of the rack that was used to attack them.

Feel free to share these insights with the families of these traumatized hunters as they learn to cope with the devastating effects of these non-lethal yet often disabling encounters.

Currently, I’m working on an invention that will protect hunters from these dangerous emanations. I don’t want to share too many details, because the patent is still pending. But let’s just say that with a common household wrap, made by a certain aluminum company, one can fashion a facial and cranial shield that will deflect most of, if not all of those antler energized particles.

Next month I’m going to publish irrefutable photographic evidence that will prove these scientific facts once and for all.

Jeff Ell is pretty good at catching, killing, picking, and growing things to eat. He regularly finds bemusement in the outdoors and enjoys telling his stories to anyone who will listen. Jeff’s the author of Ruth Uncensored, blogs at and can be contacted via Facebook or smoke signal.

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